The following is a presentation my sister wrote for one of her university classes about he suicide attempt this passed summer. She has been gracious enough to share with the Raven & Dove family....
Before I begin, I would like to give a content warning. My presentation mentions mental illness and suicide.
“There once was a caterpillar. This caterpillar seemed to have everything she could need in life. She had the basic necessities needed to survive. She had other insect friends and siblings. She felt fulfilled in her everyday life and how she chooses to spend her time and talents. From the outside, it appeared that this caterpillar was happy, healthy, and whole. But in reality, the caterpillar was going through a darkness. A darkness she could not shake. She had been feeling this way for a long time. So long, the caterpillar could not remember the last time she had experienced light. The darkness took control over this caterpillar.
The darkness made her feel as if there was no hope. That there was only one option. And so, on a bright and sunny August morning, when the rest of the world was enjoying the sunshine and warmth, the caterpillar gave up. She did the only thing she felt she could do. In an attempt to end her suffering, she ate poison berries. And her world went black. She stayed in this blackness for quite some time. It seemed as if the darkness had won this battle. But it was not this caterpillar’s time to die.
For some reasons that the caterpillar could not discern, she woke up some time later. The caterpillar was confused and exhausted. But most of all, she was disappointed. It hadn’t worked. She was such a failure that she had even failed at death. For the first little while after this, it seemed as if nothing had changed. The caterpillar felt the same as she did before. But something happened over the course of the following months. The caterpillar had changed in significant ways.
She was no longer a caterpillar, but instead she had transformed into a stunning butterfly. This butterfly looked at life differently. She had appreciation for the second chance at life she had been given. She felt more connected to the creatures around her. She found joy in things she never used to and re-found joy in the things that she used to love. She discovered value in the little things and grew to mindfully recognize this appreciation. She felt that life was worth living. For the first time in many moons, she wanted to live. While this transformation was substantial, it did not mean she didn’t still have this darkness inside of her. No, she still had to fight this darkness everyday. But the fight is what had changed. She now had the will to battle this darkness, and she intended to win.”
This story is a representation of my journey with mental health. My mental health is always at the forefront of all my experiences in life. At the end of this summer, I attempted suicide for the third time in my life. This was by far my worst attempt. It left me in the hospital for two and a half weeks and without the quick response from EMS I would not be standing here today. However, this attempt to end my life is also what saved it. This near-death experience helped to give me an entirely new outlook on life. This fresh perspective did not come immediately, but instead grew gradually throughout the past few months. I contribute this change in worldview to a mix of therapy, introspection, my spirituality, and this class. While therapy and introspection were obviously important factors to consider, I attribute much of this shift to this class. This class allowed for me to deepen my thinking and broaden my understanding of the world and my role in it. The work and reflection we were expected to do outside of the classroom was very valuable.
My journey with spirituality has also helped me find meaning in my life and recognize the love that surrounds me. Taking classes here at Luther and helping with the open-door services holds much significance in my life and has deepened my connection with my faith exponentially. My worldview has changed dramatically over this term and I now see my place in the world and understand the value my life holds. I will be eternally grateful to my near-death experience and the importance this darkness has had in my life’s journey.